undoing

Is it undoing? Is it letting go? Or is it making space?

I don't know. Lately, this process has me feeling like I'm disappearing. No, even that's not quite right...

This process is nearly complete. I've been working at it for quite some time now. I am getting rid of everything that is not essential or really important to me.

Lately, there have been many times that I regret having prayed to be shown what to do. I actually said the words. I said that I was willing to let go of everything in order to be led to whatever the new life is that I am to create now, post-retirement from my paying job -- my renewed life-on-purpose.

Circumstances in my family led to my decision to move from my long-time home in Ontario to Vancouver, to be nearer my aging parents. They are quite frail now and my mother requested my help -- quixotically immediately changing her mind, and then changing it again. That's to be expected, I know. It added to my confusion because I didn't imagine really, that living in Vancouver was on the horizon, even though I had had concerns about my parents' abilities to cope on their own for a couple of years now.

But there you are. I have always believed you have to take the next step as it presents itself. There's no going around it or turning away from it. There may be choices in how "artfully" you take the next step, but you do have to take it.

Preparing for my imminent move to Vancouver has been very "enlightening."

I do feel lighter, now that I have gotten rid of untold numbers of boxes and bins of books, old papers, knick-knacks, clothing -- stuff that I've accumulated and saved without really thinking about why I was hanging on to it -- or rather, why I wasn't making a conscious decision about it and dealing with it. Easier sometimes not to make a choice, thinking the consequences are postponed that way, maybe? Foolish thought. I did plan, eventually, to "get to it", to make the decisions, to streamline my life and make it more focused. Eventually.

Well, eventually is now. I'm making the choices now: "toss", "give away" or "keep". Especially the "keep" is hard because it is all too soon going to be crunch time and I will have to be absolutely sure this thing or that is important enough to box and have sent to my eventual home on the other side of the country at crazy expense.



It's not just the physical lightness. It's also the psychological and spiritual lightness. And it's sometimes profoundly uncomfortable. It rather feels like stepping off a cliff into utter darkness.

It's not just the discomfort of no longer having, close at hand, some of the creature comforts one has been accustomed to: favorite books, a certain spoon, the microwave, drawers in which I used to organize my socks...I have also had to stay determined despite the fact that the actions and reactions of some family, friends and acquaintances have been cruel and discouraging.

Some people in my life, hostile, question my judgment and abilities. Others describe me as a "good daughter", self-sacrificing, words of praise that make me weirdly uncomfortable.

Another source of confusion was a reconnection during the last two years or so with a friend from my high school days. This special friendship brought me enormous emotional joy and heartbreak all in one. When the love offered was suddenly withdrawn in the next heart beat, the pain I experienced was excruciating. The love that made me wildly hopeful for a short while, left me feeling physically broken, heart shattered, in a soul felt darkness. Now, there are still many moments during my day when I'm overcome with grief. But I must go on, and I do, blessing the past, letting it go and looking forward with great hope for the future.

But still I have those best friends who have always offered me their unconditional love, moral support, advice and assistance, knowing ultimately, that the path is 100% my own to make and involves the integrity of all facets of my being. To them I am eternally grateful.

And I find, I'm not disappearing at all! I'm not defined by my stuff, others' opinions of me, my job-title or the successes or failures of my past. I'm somehow bigger, beyond and outside what's happening in my life even as I am busy being my life. I'm a work-in-progress and I'm watching the process as well as participating whole-heartedly, messily, joyfully, enthusiastically, hopefully and with complete belief in the making of my life-on-purpose. That may seem an impractical, nonsensical, mystical path to take, but it's the only way I know.