i told you so

Don't you hate it when people say that?  I hate it even more when people show you that. For me, I know it's wishful thinking:  even when people tell you something really awful about themselves that contradicts the impression I often get of a nicer person inside, I have tended to ignore what they tell me.  Foolishly. 

That is something I am trying to pay attention to.  Because really, false or real modesty, self-deprecation, whatever it is...I'm not sure how much time one should invest in a person who is bad news.  After all, one can still continue to believe in the best that one sees in another, without becoming entangled in the god-awful mess of their lives, being taken down with them, or becoming so enmeshed that one forgets to live one's own life.

Just musing here, but it seems to me that anybody with the instinct for helping others, or working in the helping professions (I notice my tendency to want to cross lines and when I had the paying job I saw it happen to a colleague) runs the risk of losing sight of boundaries, personal and professional!  When it becomes "fix" rather than "help".

The other "told you so" is when people say you really have to step off the cliff before the Universe starts to marshall its forces to help you!   That is true too.  And I'm ambivalent here because I can tell you how difficult it is to step off the cliff!  But here I go...and already things are moving to help me towards my dreams.

The latest update is that everything is packed -- nearly.  You know, the exceptions are the things that just won't fit into the suitcases and I'm already so loaded down with my carry-on luggage that I'll have to buy a second ticket for my stuff!  (Still struggling, still hanging on to things. I'll leave scratch marks all the way down the face of that cliff!)

An amusing thing that I've started to notice is the way others, well-meaning, protest:

"Are you sure you want to give that away?  Don't you think you might need it?  But if you have always loved it, don't you want to take it with you?  If your Dad refinished it, you should keep it as a reminder!"

Sometimes, I'm not altogether sure that the voice isn't my friend at all, but a silly voice in my own head repeating an old pattern!

And still, most surprising of all for me, is that most of my acquaintances...actually pretty much everybody that has bothered to comment (I do realize that I'm not the centre of the universe, not even the centre of my friends' lives!!), thinks I am embarking on an adventure.  It doesn't really matter what they think of course, in that I do have to try to figure out how to live my best life on my own.  However, it amuses me to think how I had almost come to expect some negative comments. 

I think, that, most of all, shows me how far I have come.  There certainly was a time in my life when I heard lots of negative comments about anything I had tried to do back then.  It seems to me that those doubtful voices are probably still making noises, but I'm no longer in a place where I want to listen.  They are just not part of my life anymore.  And for that, I'm grateful.

Besides, if I'm not careful, I'm my own most negative voice, and I don't want to be saying to myself down the road:  "I told you so!"  Unless, it is to congratulate myself for daring to make a change, daring to move in the direction of my dreams, daring to step into a larger and more abundant version of my life.